Friday, August 15, 2008

Welcome Back, and a Mystery, All While Watching Olympics.

Well hello there, my pumpkins, my pets, my sweet petunias! My goodness, it's been a while. The past several weeks have been a welcome respite from school, from responsibilities, from business as usual, but I'm glad to be back online. When last I posted up here, I was in North Carolina, helping my family out as Superdad recovered from his stay in the hospital and getting to spend time with my little little brother Bug, my big little brother the Fairy King, and, of course, Captain Mommypants. Life was good. Now I'm back in Austin, and life is still good. Actually, it's totally awesome, but I'll tell you about that later. For now, I'd like some help solving a mystery.

We'll call this little story "The Completely Confounding Case of the Castaway Key." (I'm a big fan of alliteration, and that title just gave me a tingly thrill. I hope it did the same for you, you naughty, naughty thing.) So imagine me, your Amazing Cheastypants, [pause to watch Michael Phelps swim the 100M butterfly prelim. Ok, he won. Good. Back to the story.] Where was I? Oh yes, I remember. Me and my acres and acres of gorgeous, bounteous hair were about to go to the grocery store. I needed blueberries and carrots. So I pull up in my sporty little Mazda (zoom zoom!), turn off the ignition, get out of the car, lock the door, and head into the HEB. I get my stuff, pay for it, and head back out to my car. Approaching L'il Mazdie, I reached into my purse and grab my keys. But whoa, what's going on?! My key chain had opened up, so lots of the keys were falling off in my hand. But no sweat, I just put them back on, right? Except wait. Where's my car key. Good question. The damn thing was gone. G-O-N-E, gone.

I mean, it's not like I didn't look for it. I emptied my purse, shook it out, looked under, around, and on top of my car. I opened the door and looked on the seats, between the seats, under the seats, under the steering wheel, in the cupholders, and on the floor. It was nowhere. I retraced my steps in the grocery store THREE TIMES. I went to customer service at every store in the strip mall. And then I gave up. I called my dear and reliable Penata, who picked me up and took me to my spare set of keys over at Umulu's house. The key, I decided, was a thing of the past. [Pause for Nastia Liukin on the uneven bars. Good, she rocked it. Back to the story.]

Well, I was just confused. I mean, there were only a finite number of places my key could've gone, you know? Flummoxed, perplexed, befuddled. But whatever, I moved on. [Pause for Shawn Johnson on the uneven bars. She stuck the landing!! Okay, back to the story.]

So you know what happened? I found it yesterday while I was cleaning out L'il Mazdie to pick up my parents and Bug at the airport. And do you want to know where I found the stupid thing? UNDER THE PASSENGER SEAT CARPET. Under. The carpet. On the passenger side. If I had to sum up my thoughts upon finding it there in one word, that word would be "what the everloving hell." If previously I was flummoxed, perplexed, and befuddled, now I am simply stupefied.

I mean, how did it get there? Did it magically discover the properties of osmosis? Or perhaps the key walked to the carpet, lifted it up, crawled under, and settled in for a nice long nap. "I've had enough of this starting the car business," it thought as it snuggled down and closed its eyes. "Time for a well earned vacation." Or maybe a well intentioned stranger saw the key drop, picked it up, and thought, "Hey, I'm going to do a good deed, but I think it'd be funny to make it so nobody knows about it for a long time. I'll put the key back in the car, but I think I'll be tricky and HIDE IT. Mwa-hahahahaha."

At this point, your guess is as good as mine. As for me, I give up. Welcome home, key. I missed you. And welcome back, internet. I missed you, too.


Anonymous said...

Dear, dear Cheasty! I've missed you so! And want to know what's weird? I have not checked your blog since you went on hiatus. I just thought "Today might be the day", and LO AND BEHOLD, HERE YOU ARE!
BTW, my stuff goes missing all the time, but that's because my kids hide it. Missing keys are good for at least four hours of searching.
And: Michael Phelps? I love him. I DVR all of the Olympic coverage and fast forward to him.

Anonymous said...

Your Back!! YAY!! I am very happy to see you again!

As for your key, that shit just happens.... no ideas from the south on this one...

The Fairy King

Anonymous said...

Welcome back! You were sorely missed but I'm glad you had a good vacation.

As for the keys, it's just the little gremlins that live in your car. They like to hide things. No big deal. :)

Anonymous said...

Cheastypants! Looks like my funtastic work reading material has returned. Welcome back to the interwebs!


H-SPO said...

I think it is brilliant how you weaved? wove? the Olympics into that post.


Matter Of Fact Mommy said...

YAY CHEASTY! so glad you're back...