Hello, I am the Amazing Cheastypants. While I am most well-known for being sexy, gorgeous, glamorous, and sophisticated, there is a little known side of me that I'm about to reveal, for the very first time, today. It turns out that I am a whiz at the practical application of scientific knowledge and the inventive use of common household items to solve desperate problems. I know, I know. I'm as shocked as you are, but it's true. I am, for lack of a better term, one heck of a whiz-bang MacGyver.
Why, just this weekend I was on my way to a bar to meet some friends for a beer. I unlocked my bike from the rack, tossed my luxurious mane of bouncy beautiful hair in the breeze, and pedaled suavely off down the road into the sunset. Well, sort of. Really, I only got about ten or fifteen feet, and then THE FRONT WHEEL FELL OFF MY BIKE, and I glamorously staggered and stumbled and dragged the bike along, trying not to fall flat on my face in the middle of the road. When I told my friend Reeno about this she almost herniated her large intestine from laughing so hard at HOW FREAKING EMBARRASSING that must have been. Yes, thank you, it was. I mean, what the hell. My wheel fell off and I almost ate pavement in the middle of campus. Who in the hell does that happen to? Anyway, that's not the point of this story. The point of this story is what a freaking genius I am. (applause, applause, thank you, thank you.)
Well, I didn't know what to do, did I. I mean, my wheel was in my hand, and the hardware that's supposed to attach it to the bike was just gone except for one little bolt that I found about 10 feet behind me right by the bike rack. It's an old bike, a 1984 Schwinn with rusty cables and a tenuous grasp on functionality, so I guess parts of it are just giving up the ghost. I should've stopped to look at the mysterious squeaky noise that had started earlier that morning.
Your average sophisticated glamorpuss would probably have just given up at that point. I might have re-locked the bike up, taken the wheel with me and gone to find a bus home. But that is not the Amazing Cheastypants way. Gather round, young Jedi knights, and let me tell you what I did. I found a piece of string and I tied my wheel back on the bike, got back on, rode to the bar, and had a beer with my friends. That, my poppets, is the Cheastypants way. In fact, I might change my name to MacHandypants. At the risk of exposing a dangerously inflated ego, I AM AMAZING.
Also, I am dead lucky that my knots held and I didn't die in a tragic biking accident in the middle of rush-hour traffic. I can't believe what a dumbass I can be sometimes. Did I really think that was a good idea? Good god. A mighty thanks to my friends, who convinced me that I was a giant retard, and I should definitely just get a ride home with a friend. I took the bike in to the shop this morning and the mechanic, who said he's seen "just about everything" gave a long, low whistle and said, "Wow. You've been riding this bike?"