Monday, November 3, 2008

I'm Getting Married

Oh, at last, at long, long last! For years I've been wondering why I'm still single. Well now I know, and what's more, I now have a handy-dandy little instruction manual to help me find my mate.  All right, so it's written by children, but frankly, all the adults out there aren't helping me out in the least, so I'm willing to give it a shot.  The following came in my email this morning, and let me just be the first to say thank you to the kids who put it together. I am now adequately armed in my quest for happily-ever-after! Hooorayyy!!!

From the mouths of babes... (my commentary in red.)

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

Ah, so that's what I've been doing wrong.  Putting chips and dip on grocery list...

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

Ok.  So the really weird part is that I THOUGHT THE SAME THING when I was a kid.  No kidding.  I was scared to use the bathroom for months because somehow I got it in my head that boys not only knew who they would marry, but that God had given the boys crystal balls that they could watch us in.  So whoever I was going to marry one day was watching me all the time, and I didn't want him to see me using the bathroom. Where did I come up with that idea? And how did this kid get the same one? Weird-idea stealer.

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

Oh, great.  I'm older than "FOREVER" old.  Thanks, you little twerp.

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

Hmmm.  Maybe I should rethink this whole "wanting to get married" thing? When you put it like that, well...  frankly I have more fun by myself.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

HA!  

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8

Oh, that's sweet.

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

See, Martin, I've been trying that, and let me tell you, it isn't working so well.  Eventually they figure out that my boobs aren't really that big.  Usually it happens when I get hungry and pull a grapefuit out of my bra.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

Ah yes, the dead columns.  I use that one all the time.  Very effective.

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

True, Pam.  Very, very true.  Never kiss a poor boy, they'll only give you warts.

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

I like a man who's thinking ahead about not committing statutory rape.

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

Oh.  That's kind of cute.  Howard, I'll wait for you; don't you go kissing any girls before you're 18!

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9  

WHAT?!  I had no idea that was part of the job description.  Never mind, I'm not getting married.  EVER.

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

I always find it refreshing to find Puritan conservatism in one so young, don't you?

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

Bring me cheesecake.  NOW.

12 comments:

Ashley. Unscripted... said...

I love these kids. Especially Pam and Craig. I sense little Martin is already a player.

Alison in TX said...

Thanks Cheasty for giving me some laughs this Monday morning...and some youthful perspective ;-)

Kate said...

I wish I had gotten the memo about only kissing rich boys. Doggone it. I guess I will have to settle for happiness over those kick ass boots I saw.

PrincessPi said...

Oh My Lord. I love it. Grapefruit in the bra. I'm passing this one around the office.

Prunella Jones said...

Dayum, Ricky knows the deal! I'll be sure to look him up when he's 20 and I'm in my cougar years.

kcm said...

haha! i knew y'all would love this one.. ;)

Anonymous said...

I laughed myself silly on this one. Especially Derrick, the keen observer who has figured out the surefire way to tell if two people are married. More I want more like this!

Matter Of Fact Mommy said...

damn, Ricky knows the deal!

they're all cute, but Ricky's is my favorite by far. no matter how pissed off i am at my husband, if he looks at me and smirks and says, "gooood lookin'..." i forgive him.

LindsRay said...

I think there's plenty of adults who live by these same principles.

Erin said...

ok - so you are back doing this now?? i actually only knew this because of "list of the day", and what a terrific picture i must say, your hotness!

Paul said...

Odd, I've been putting grape fruits in my shirt for years and I still can't get a woman to even go out with me.

colie said...

Oh my God, that dump truck thing was BRILLIANT!