MANAGUA, NICARAGUA -- Today, despite the best efforts of shampoo, conditioner, fancy hair creams, curling gels, blow driers, combs, brushes, and hairclips, the Amazing Cheastypants Hair was declared a Natural Disaster Area by local officials. Representatives from the U.S. Embassy here in the Nicaraguan capital blamed the disaster on spiraling inflation caused by humidity, and called upon Nicaraguan officials to accelerate their annual calendar and cancel the monsoons scheduled for the remainder of the fiscal year. Nicaraguan officials at the Disaster Relief Center declared their intention to ameliorate the situation by scheduling periodic removal of the Amazing Cheastypants Hair to drier mountainous zones, but decried the U.S. government's attempt to once again change the course of Nicaraguan history to suit its domestic interests.
Supporters of the Amazing Cheastypants Hair mourned the loss of what was once considered a national monument, and declared their intention to host a memorial service for what was once a glorious and bouncy mane, lauded by poets, artists, nature lovers, and glittering stars of the literati. "People deserve a chance to remember the Amazing Cheastypants Hair as it would have liked to be remembered," declared ACH Fan Club President Trixie Von Coiffure. "Every time I think about what that horrid humidity and those torrential rains did to our beloved Amazing Cheastypants Hair, I have a nearly uncontrollable urge to hit something."
Details have yet to be finalized, but services will be held somewhere in the American desert, where the Amazing Cheastypants Hair was reputed to be most happy.