Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Amazing Cheastypants Hair Declared Natural Disaster

MANAGUA, NICARAGUA -- Today, despite the best efforts of shampoo, conditioner, fancy hair creams, curling gels, blow driers, combs, brushes, and hairclips, the Amazing Cheastypants Hair was declared a Natural Disaster Area by local officials. Representatives from the U.S. Embassy here in the Nicaraguan capital blamed the disaster on spiraling inflation caused by humidity, and called upon Nicaraguan officials to accelerate their annual calendar and cancel the monsoons scheduled for the remainder of the fiscal year. Nicaraguan officials at the Disaster Relief Center declared their intention to ameliorate the situation by scheduling periodic removal of the Amazing Cheastypants Hair to drier mountainous zones, but decried the U.S. government's attempt to once again change the course of Nicaraguan history to suit its domestic interests.

Supporters of the Amazing Cheastypants Hair mourned the loss of what was once considered a national monument, and declared their intention to host a memorial service for what was once a glorious and bouncy mane, lauded by poets, artists, nature lovers, and glittering stars of the literati. "People deserve a chance to remember the Amazing Cheastypants Hair as it would have liked to be remembered," declared ACH Fan Club President Trixie Von Coiffure. "Every time I think about what that horrid humidity and those torrential rains did to our beloved Amazing Cheastypants Hair, I have a nearly uncontrollable urge to hit something."

Details have yet to be finalized, but services will be held somewhere in the American desert, where the Amazing Cheastypants Hair was reputed to be most happy.

10 comments:

Ashley. Unscripted... said...

I feel your pain girl. Mine frizzes out at the slightest hint of humidity. It ain't pretty.

Jen said...

Eek! Sorry the weather and your hair aren't getting along. Glad I'm only avoiding mullet cutters...

Renny said...

We can set up a little shrine to the ACH at the Tweed if you would like. Candles, photos, incense-- and Edward can guard it. Or in Tucson, in preparation for the services.

Cheasty said...

ashley - i'm always happy to have a sister in my poofy headed misery. love your new blog, too!

jen - i keep meaning to leave you a comment telling you that your hair looks great longer! i saw a pic on evan's page, and it's awesome!

renny - yes, at the tweed, please. thank god for edward. we can do tucson when i get back! i've got to drive to LA anyways. let's stop by and bury the formerly great ACH. ;)

Matter Of Fact Mommy said...

LOLOLOL... you crack me up! i was expecting a picture, btw. :p

PrincessPi said...

You should get corn rows. You'd be the most awesomest american at the historic archive. w00t!

ooh, or you could give yourself a buzz cut, and then razor designs into your hair. A treasure map? Reimann's Hypothesis? The statement ORly? Just think of the possibilities.

Evan Ross said...

National Cheasty Hair Disaster and no photos? I had corn rows in Rio. Looked good and definitely killed the frizz. Good luck.

Cheasty said...

first of all let me state, categorically and for the record, that i am posting absolutely NO PHOTOS of the Amazing Cheastypants Hair Natural Disaster Zone. it's just too painful.

secondly, let me say that cornrows are also out of the question. shaving my head sounds awesome, especially if I carved all of PrincessPi's suggestions into it. Head as Living Art Form. I like it. However, for now I'm going for the Ruthless Containment Approach. Also, the Cry Into My Pillow Approach. Arrrrgh! Damn you, humidity.

Judy said...

I vote for the Amazing Cheastypants Hair to get corn rows too! Or maybe a fashionable mullet...

Mr. Poopie said...

Sounds like a day to wrap that shit in a hankercheif homey. Just stay away from blue. I hear the Cryps are heavy down there.