Friday, September 12, 2008

... And Never the 'Twain Shall Meet

For some reason, I, the Amazing Cheastypants, being glamorous, sophisticated, unspeakably gorgeous, and wildly talented, have inexplicably spent the vast majority of my 30 years on this planet as a single woman. In the course of these years I've spent a lot of time pondering the mysteries of meeting, dating, and marrying, and basically, I feel like I don't get it. What's more, I secretly suspect that I will never get it, and spend the rest of my life wondering what the heck I was supposed to do. But this summer I had something of an epiphany while hanging out with my high school sweetheart one afternoon.

This guy right here is a grown-up version of my high school sweetheart. *Hi, Smiley!* We're still good friends, and every time I get back home I call him up and we spend some time happily puttering around together. He's so much fun, and I always find myself wondering about those 'what ifs.' I mean, he's wonderful, funny, smart, energetic, charasmatic, and while this is probably the worst picture ever taken of him, he's really good-looking (inspite of those ridiculous lambchops and the faux-ferocious frown). So why is it that I inevitably end up feeling like 'what the f' just happened?

Well, my poppets, this is why. See that little leafy-fruity-looking thing Smiley is holding? I don't know what the heck it is, and neither does he. But while walking past that tree we both noticed it, and exclaimed simultaneously. You know what I said?

"Ooh, they look like little hearts!" (*chirp, chirp!*)

At the exact same moment, Smiley said, "Hey, those look like testicles!"



Mr. Poopie said...

That, as everyone knows, is testiculous scroticum plantaris, also knows as "Little Scrotum Tree" by the locals, which can only be found in the vast rain forests of Nicaragua. It bears delicious edible fruit year round that resemble little scrotums, the taste often varying from sweet to salty, although mostly they are harvested by the beauty industry for their medicinal capabilities to produce radiant and youthful looking skin. Ergo, they are commonly used in facials.

Cheasty said...

HA!! awesome investigative work, mr. poopie. i laughed my ass off, although the thought of rubbing testiculous scroticum plataris all over my face kind of made me want to vomit. just a little.

Brit' Gal Sarah said...

LOL okay right here is the difference in the romance gene between men and women!

Thanks for popping into hear about my snake!

Cheasty said...

and see, it's that kind of comment right there, brit' gal sarah, that would make a guy snicker like beavis or butthead and go, "he he, she said snake. he he."

thanks for the return visit!

Judy said...

ah the differences between men, women, hearts and ... uh testies.

Anonymous said...

I really must say that i had no idea Smiley actually looked like that!! I have no memories of him looking like a child molester/angry biker... it really might be the worst picture ever... or at least in the runnings!

anyways, like i always say, never wonder about the what if's because then you might miss the right nows.

love ya sis

The Fairy King

Anonymous said...

"I don't know how you walk around with those things." Elaine Benes on Seinfeld.

Perhaps having such exterior floppage constantly reminds them of it, hence, men are obsessed with their nether regions.

gabrielahorbaty said...

this was so funny cheasty...First time I'm reading your log..I love it,