Monday, December 1, 2008

The White Flag of Surrender

All right, fine. I admit it. I may have inadvertently started a little war, and I suppose it now falls to me to end it. So here I am, waving a white flag of surrender, though it pains me bitterly to do so.

It all started innocuously enough. My friends Mutt and Nan (tricksters and merry-makers the both of them) have a blog in which they are chronicling their year in Panama while Mutt does his dissertation research. Nan isn't much of a dancer, and when they posted an entry about Nan voluntarily getting out on the dance floor, I might have posted a comment encouraging her to learn to dance really well. So well, in fact, that she'd make Mutt look silly (all right, I might have said 'bad') and then we could both laugh at him. While I meant this in a purely jocular manner, I confess that this might not have been the most polite thing to write, though it is entirely in character for our friendship.  Mutt and I mock each other mercilessly.  It's a hobby. But after my comment, Mutt posted this response:

Dear Ms. Amazingcheastypants,

As editor of this fine publication, my job entails monitoring and deleting all inappropriate and offensive comments. Your comment above has undergone an intensive investigation and review process by our editorial board. We have decided to leave your boarder-line threats posted for the time being. Please note that Mutt's feelings are easily hurt and he does not liked to be laughed at, especially on an online forum. We expect that you will take more responsibility for your online chatter.

All the best,

The Editors of the xxRedactedxxx Post

My response was probably misguided: "Mutt smells like socks."

They responded via email:

Dear Ms. Amazingcheastypants,

This is your final cease and desist notice from the editorial board at the Potsusaker Post. We are prepared to take legal action if necessary. Also, if I (Mutt) had my way I would delete ALL your comments. Fortunately for you, my editorial colleague (Nan) vetoed my "rash" response. But I am prepared to take my own course if pushed.

The Editors at the Postusaker Post

ALL my comments?!  I'll have you know that ALL of my comments are quite nice, thank you very much.  And how about that sign off: "threateningly"? I'll show you threateningly... 

I may or may not have informed Mutt that I'd hired a lawyer who went by the nickname "Bonecrusher," after which Mutt let me know that he was "not afraid to use guerrilla tactics on yo' ass." The emails got progressively feisty from that point. The back-and-forth included such exchanges as:

It's a free country, and I can write anything I want! Like check this out: Merry Chistmas. Is it Christmas? No. Can you stop me? No! I win.


Oh please. Words are like lightning to my thunder. Start counting:
one thousand one, one thousand two, ....

Then Mutt went rogue. I got an email from that went something like this, "Dear Amazing, We are so happy to add you to our weekly email report. Conservatives of the world unite!" Then I got one from Rush Limbaugh. Then Ann Coulter (with a special offer to buy her new book "If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans." Hyuck, hyuck). Then Chuck Norris. "Dear Fellow Conservative," he wrote...

Oh, ho! I thought. Two can play that game! So I signed him up for the Log Cabin Republicans, Martha Stewart, and one other I can't remember now. Then I got emails from Pat Buchanan, Mitch McConnell, and the Conservative DVD and Book Club, which informed me that I was also subscribed for "Carefully selected offers from Third Parties." Oh, righteous indignation!! And then I couldn't unsubscribe from Rush Limbaugh without the zip code he used to sign me up, and it wasn't mine, so I couldn't unsubscribe AT ALL. I tried for a truce:

Dear Mutt,
All right, no more signing each other up for republican porn sites. i can't unsubscribe from rush limbaugh without the zip code you entered, and mine didn't work. which one did you use? also, can't unsubscribe from Mitch McConnell. damn you, republican porn star. damn you!

Mutt was unresponsive to my request:

Why Amazingcheastypants, why do you think I would do something like that? That's so terrible!

whoo whoo whoo haaa haa!! I'm laughing so hard my stomach hurts! It was worth spending an entire Saturday morning being mischevious.

So, is that a white flag of surrender? There is a chance that I could remember the zip... But since I'ma responsible warlord, I only sit down for negotiations after certain preconditions are met. Namely, you waving a white flag of surrender. I'm far too busy just to sit down with enemies and chit chat over truffles.

Also, has Senator Joseph Lieberman contacted you yet about how to support independent voices while living abroad?

Up next: Governor Palin, Sean Hannity (he'll hannitize your inbox), and the soft-spoken delights of Ann Coulter.

The Enemy You Should Have Thought Twice About,

Mutt, republican pornstar diva

Surrender? Never! In a fit of pique, I went back online to sign Mutt up for more stuff, but (and this really pains me to admit it) in the heat of battle I froze. My starch wilted, my upper lip de-stiffened, my righteous indignation and spark of mischievousness deserted me. I started to feel a little guilty (oh, traitorous emotion!). I did not immediately surrender - in fact, I blustered for a while, informing Mutt that "The flaming sword of justice swings always at my hip, and a crown of laurel leaves adorn my noble brow. A lowlife Republican Porn Star such as yourself may fashion wings of wax, but beware flying too close to the sun, my child. As much as you bedevil me, I would mourn the loss of such an able adversary. Yours in egregious excellence, Amazing Cheastypants." Sadly, I didn't mean a word of it, and he called my bluff. As much as I hate to ever admit defeat, I am about to surrender to an evil adversary who has proved himself far superior to me in the fine art of internet war.

Mutt, I am waving the White Flag of Surrender. Please accept my hand in friendship and reconciliation.  I think you dance beautifully, and you decidedly do not smell like socks.  

Now will you please unsubscribe me from Rush Limbaugh?


naokoandjeff said...

Dear Ms. Amazing Cheastypants,

I accept your defeat and gracious surrender. Thank you for acknowledging your errors. I accept your act of reconciliation and friendship.

I only have one last demand: post a picture of yourself waving a white flag. Perhaps a white sock would serve just fine.

I will call Rush personally and have you removed from his list.

Most Delightedly,


Kate said...

I just wish that I had witty things to say about your last few posts, but alas, my Lortab-haze is preventing me from doing so.

Take pride in knowing that you were the "bigger person" by admitting defeat. You will always have that to throw in his face.

Renny said...

What's a Potsusaker?

Ohhh, I miss you and jeff and naoko. Autumn finally arrived to Austin while I was away in Arizona, and all the leaves are yellow. It's kind of beautiful-- and very chilly!

Cheasty said...

mutt - i categorically refuse to degrade myself thus. and thank you for the zip code. my days will now be mercifully rush-free. man, that bastard emails a lot.

kate - hey, with all those drugs, wit is the least we expect of you. i´m glad to see you´re at least out there and posting! tally ho towards healthy knees, my friend!

renny - are you trying to make me cry? there shall be no such talk of autumn leaves and such until i too can enjoy them! oh and ps. you´re going to die of jealousy when you see how tan i am after almost 9 months of summer. :)
miss you too, my dear. dec. 19th, here we come!

Prunella Jones said...

So, are you turning into some kind of feminazi or something? I mean, who wouldn't be proud to be a dittohead?

Okay, I cringed when I typed that. Bleeeeeh!

Cheasty said...

er, pru, not to reveal my idiocy, but what the heck is a dittohead?

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