Friday, June 19, 2009

In Which Our Heroine Seduces Frank Irwin

Dear Matter of Fact Mommy and other lovers of Frank Irwin. I'm sorry. I know you all love him. I know you all dream of the day in which he will be yours. I am sensitive to those feelings, and I truly regret having to break your collective heart, but what's done is done, and I have to let you know. Frank Irwin is mine. He's the yin to my yang, the bi to my cycle. My apologies, but it was written in the stars.

Frank and I both live in Austin, I discovered recently, and being that I'd already broken the seal by meeting MOFM back in April, it seemed like a good idea to meet this dapper fellow, especially given that he likes bikes. Cause I likes bikes, too! So when he floated the idea of meeting up sometime, I said "Okay, Frank Irwin. Meet me at Quack's Bakery at 3pm on Friday. I'll be the unbearably attractive brunette in the corner. You'll recognize me by my acres and acres of bouncy beautiful hair, and also the fact that the air around me seems to be sparkling, though you can't exactly figure out why." But how was I to know which of the many good looking men who come through Quack's would be Frank Irwin? I wrote to him with instructions. "Will you please bring a book of poetry and a pink carnation so I can recognize you when you come in?" In all honesty, I was joking, but guess what Frank showed up with this afternoon:

What, can't you see the title of that charming little book? Here's a closer look:

Yes, that would be a book of dirty limericks, and it's a good thing he brought it with him, because before Frank Irwin showed up I was sitting there wondering which guy would be Frank Irwin. What on earth would Frank Irwin look like? I started to get nervous when a deeply creepy gentleman in a muu-muu and ladies' slacks came in and started looking about him as if he were looking for somebody. Oh, no! I thought. That must be Frank Irwin and he's so creepy! Keep your head down, Cheasty, maybe he won't see you! After a few moments of dead panic, I was relieved to see Deeply Creepy moving on out. Oh, sigh of relief. Frank, it turns out, is not deeply creepy. Rather, he is very nice, beardedly handsome, and charming, though his taste in poetry is decidedly low-brow. Here's a sample:

There was a young vampire named Mabel,
Whose periods were long and unstable.
On the night of the full moon
With a rusty old spoon,
She would drink herself under the table.

Or how about this?

There once was a woman named Alice
Who used a dynamite stick as a phallus;
They found her vagina
Up in North Carolina
And the rest of poor Alice in Dallas.

This is one of my favorites:

There once was a dentist named Stone
Who saw all his patients alone.
In a fit of depravity
He filled the wrong cavity,
And my! How his practice has grown!

I laughed my ass off when I sat down to read them just now, and these limericks, plus the fact that Frank Irwin bought me a chocolate cupcake, have cemented my deep and abiding love for Frank Irwin. Ah, that Frank Irwin. He sure does know how to win a girl's heart. :)


Bev said...

Awwwwww! First of all, Cheasty, you've outdone yourself w/ this post. Srsly funny stuff!

Secondly, how cute are you guys? That vampire limerick is sure to haunt me for all of my days. No, really.

Great blogger meet-up! Yay!

Kate said...

Aw, look at Frank all showered and dressed. Glad you had a good time!

I seriously hope that I don't find any parts of Alice when I am in Dallas. Ew.

Samsmama said...

Alright, first off, this was the most excellent post ever written. You are quite the author.

Second, "deeply creepy" had me giggling.

Third, of COURSE he brought a dirty book. ;)

Fourth, I'm dizzy. I love it when bloggers meet.

And lastly, congratulations on your new love. You two will be so happy, pedaling off into the sunset together!

Mala said...

What? How can I be the first to mention how absolutely sad that "carnation" is. Good thing he made up for it with a chocolate cupcake.
Handsome and charming, how interesting. Oh, gotta go, that new documentary on Ted Bundy is on and I don't wanna miss it!

rkintn said...

What a great post! Definitely some serious talent there:) I'm glad to see Frank wore a shirt to the meeting and, somehow, the dirty limericks book didn't really surprise me LOL

I think I may have to move to TX to meet my blogger pals.

Cheasty said...

bev, i think your new screen name should be Mabel. that would make me laugh buckets.

kate, imagine how I feel about going home to North Carolina for thanksgiving! poor alice, but YUCK.

samsmama, just put your head between your knees. (frank - Go!)

mala, it was half dead, true, but still cute and charming!

rkintn, i have to admit the shirt surprised me, too. :)

Frank Irwin said...

Kate, not just showered and dressed, but shaven, as well (and you can't even see my legs)!

Samsmama, that was the only limerick book that they had. Honest! I flipped through it real quick, before I bought it, and it looked harmless enough. ;-) The Dentist limerick was one of the ones that I caught.

Mala, I'll have you know that I cut that flower from my own flowerbed! It looked a lot better when I cut it, but it's farkin' hot down here! Wacky weather, y'know!

I'm working on my side of the story...

Frank Irwin said...

Oh, Cheasty, you're such a darling to serve me up a high hanging curve ball like that.

Rkintn was referring to a video that I have up on my Facebook page, which you couldn't see before, but will see soon. :-D

Matter Of Fact Mommy said...

YAY! just... YAY! way to go, frank. you played that one perfectly.

and cheasty, i can't compete with you. i have witnessed the sparkles, the bountiful locks and the giggles first-hand. :) all i have is thin, blonde hair, long legs and a cynical outlook on life. and definitely a lack of sparkles...

good times!

Cheasty said...

frank, i wouldn't know anything about high hanging balls, but this i do know - you sure looked dapper, and i loved the coneflower!

mofm, i'd like to introduce you to my friend Reality. Reality would like you to know that men routinely pick the funny adorable and leggy blonde over the short girl with a funny laugh. you've got me beat, my friend, just face it!

Frank Irwin said...

I'm glad you liked the coneflower. I had to fight off three butterflies to get it, and they fight dirty!

Don't believe everything that Reality says.

MtnMama said...


I don't believe Reality, either (though I am neither leggy nor short, so maybe that's it?)
You managed to have a nice meet with a charmer who brought a flower and appropriate poetry! How splendid it that?

Also, I noticed that Frank did NOT have comments enabled on his post. hmmm.... but that got me HERE, so I suppose it was serendipity?

Frank Irwin said...

MtnMama, you should be able to post on my blog. I have it open to everyone. I had it as a pop-up window, so maybe your browser was blocking it? I've changed it to "full-window" so try again.

Bev said...

LMAO @ Mala!!! She so clevah.

The Daily Wit said...

Frank is cheating on me?? And this is how I have to find out??

I'm devastated. I can't write anoth...

Kevin said...

This blows my mind. Was it weird having a conversation that you knew two people would write about a few hours later?

Also, I noticed no pictures of the two of you together. A blog hoax, on the level of the lunar landing?

Cheasty said...

DW - well to be fair, he did scream out your name when he... um... saw the bill for the cupcake. ;)

kevin - i know, it is a little surreal, isn't it. but fun! also, what is this word "hoax" of which you speak.

jessica o said...

I'm crying. FML.

Since you were at Quacks and he brought you a book of dirty limericks, I shall share My Fowl Poem

Cary said...

Frank, you ol' rascal! Well done.

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