Thursday, June 11, 2009

These Are The Things That Keep Me Awake At Night

So here's my impression of me last night at 4:21am. "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. (snore, sniffle, roll over) Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

Now here's my impression of me last night at 4:22am. "Oh my god I just heard dishes clank downstairs. Oh, my god, is there somebody in my house? Oh my god, I did I forget to lock the door last night? Oh my god, why did I get a deaf dog, you stupid useless mutt WOULD YOU PLEASE WAKE UP AND GROWL IF THERE IS SOMEBODY ACTUALLY IN MY HOUSE." All of this was in my head of course, because even at 4:22am I am not stupid enough to make noise when I am awakened by the sound of a potential intruder knocking over one of my cups into the sink. I made an effort to calm myself down and evaluate the situation.

Option A: there is nobody in the house, it was just one of those gravity things that made the noise. Or maybe a mouse. I could have mice, I suppose. Yes, I'm sure it was just a mouse.

Option B: there is an intruder in the house, it is likely a strung-out crackhead, he is likely armed, will most probably rape me if he knows I'm here, after which I will be lucky if he doesn't shoot me in the face when he's done. I am upstairs, I have no clothes on, nor is there anything I can use as a weapon up here. No baseball bat, golf club. Not even a pocket knife or a flashlight. And my cell phone is downstairs, too. Great. It would be best to be silent, all things considered, and allow the junkie to steal what he wants to steal and get out.

So I laid there for a while. As I laid there I remembered the time I was camping out in Utah and had set my sleeping bag beneath a scrubby pine tree. In the middle of the night I woke up and saw coyotes in our campsite going through our food, and realized that there was some sort of large animal in the tree right above me. I laid there and debated my options for a while, then decided there was nothing I could do about it, so I rolled over and went back to sleep. The fact that I could do that amazes me when I think about it now, cause there was NO WAY I was going back to sleep last night, though the thought did cross my mind to try.

Then I heard a sound. A sound that sounded like the door opening. Or closing. I have no idea. I might even have just made it up in my head, but whatever it was, it shook me out of my frozen state. "Oh, that is just enough!" I roared in my head. "If I'm going down, I'm gonna go down fighting." I leapt out of bed and turned on the lights. I grabbed a blanket with the vague idea of throwing it over the asshole's head, and then picked up a nearby metal filing cabinet (empty) and ran down the stairs with it up over my head, ready to brain the shit out of whoever was downstairs.

Naturally, there was nobody, though checking behind the shower curtain was about the scariest thing I've ever done. Ugh. And I HAD left the door unlocked, moron that I am. Anyway, I'm going to buy some mace. And maybe a dog that isn't deaf, because little old Birdie slept through the whole thing except the part where I ran down the stairs naked, holding a filing cabinet over my head. Because of course there had to be a witness to that piece of excess idiocy.

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

ok i almost peed myself reading this one!! I bet Birdie was sitting there thinking "WTF is momma up to??"
Glad you were safe though!


The Fairy King

Bev said...

OMFG! That. was. hysterical!

Lady, please remember to lock your door from now on, k? And might I suggest a large dog, like a German Shepherd or a Rottweiller? ;) I know he'd outweigh you by 80 lbs or so, but still... worth it? I think so.

YOU RULE!
oxoxo

Matter Of Fact Mommy said...

i can't believe you just left us all with a Naked Cheasty Image in our heads. while most of us just laugh at the thought of you barrelling down the stairs nekkid with a filing cabinet over your head, some (Frank) of us won't be able to shake that sexxaayy image of you. (Frank, you should really be ashamed of yourself!)

hahaha @ witness. isn't Birdie blind, too? or is that just my dog?

also? LOCK YOUR FUCKING DOOR! ugh! i'm concerned like your mother over here... and, sleep with your cell phone on your bedside table. if you left it downstairs to charge, plug it into an outlet in your bedroom next time!

sorry to get so angry, i'm just all "OMG SOMETHING COULD HAVE HAPPENED TO MY PRECIOUS CHEASTY!"

whew! sorry, i'm done...

Cheasty said...

FK - yes, i'm laughing at it now, but there was nothing funny about it last night. i was 90% convinced i was going to find a slavering rapist either in the closet or behind the shower curtain. i almost fainted from relief when the coast was clear, and birdie was all, "so, now that we're up... can I have a snack?"

Bev - thank you, thank you, i live to entertain. as for the giant snarling dogflesh, i'm thinking about it, seriously. only a big dog won't fit in my tiny elf palace, so that's a problem to work around...

MOFM - yes ma'am. and sorry about the naked cheasty image, but it's all part of my plan to seduce the unwitting frank irwin. shhhhh, don't tell, or he'll run away!

Mala said...

I can't believe Frank isn't here yet... Now, you'll definately have to lock your doors!

I agree. keep that cell phone upstairs WITH you! and since you don't have room for a Rotti, maybe just an angry, hearing-capable little shitzadoodle.

Kate said...

No kidding, Mala, I can't believe that Frank hasn't shown up yet with what we all know will be a very suggestive comment.

Now that we can all laugh at the situation, I am envisioning naked karate complete with sound effects.

You never know about Birdie, she might be the perfect guard dog. As she is silently hopping through the house, the intruder might just trip over her and knock himself out.

Mr. Poopie said...

Ah yes, the ol' naked, over-head, file cabinet carry.

Haven't done that one in years. Of course it was replaced by the significantly more menacing, naked, horizontal laptop discus attack.

Frank Irwin said...

Sorry it took me so long to get to the Comments section, but whenever I got to "I am upstairs, I have no clothes on," I had to go away for a bit and then start from the beginning, again.

Woof.

Anonymous said...

Oh my god! Hilarious!!!

But seriously I hope you learned two lessons:
1) always lock your door. always!
2) in light of the running down your stairs naked... and assuming a rapist is in the house, you just made his/her job 10 times easier. come on! that's like chasing after an alcoholic with jack daniels. next time throw on some ugly polyster and THEN run downstairs.

much love,
Cookie

Cheasty said...

mala - shitzadoodle. check. now googling to find out where to obtain this ferocious sounding beast.

kate - don't let your imagination run too wild with you. i do not know karate, though i did study tae kwon do as a youngster. huah-yaaaaaa!

mr. poopie. horizonal laptop discus throw... i'm intrigued. you shall have to give me lesson in this, as i see great potential for defensive applications.

frank - you dog, you. :)

cookie - oh, chin laugh, old girl! you know i don't own any polyester! only silk, gold lamé, and the finest pima cotton for this socialite. hugs and air kisses, Bunny. p.s. when you're done with Rodolfo, could you send him back home? I know we share our cabana boys, but you're beginning to monopolize him, dahling!

Frank Irwin said...

And another thing, Cheasty, as unwitting as I may be, don't feel the need to seduce me, just say, "Whatcha doin' for lunch?"

Cheasty said...

Hey, Frank Irwin, whatcha doin' for lunch?

:)

Frank Irwin said...

Woot! What day?

Lindsey said...

Seriously? Best mental image I've had all month.

Cheasty said...

frank - just shoot me an email, let's have lunch!

lindsey - i live to serve. may my self-inflicted humiliations continue to amuse you. :)

Cary said...

Naked. Awesome.

I heart naked.