Monday, February 2, 2009

All That A Bag Should Be

GE Financial Assurance Bag, can we talk? After 10 years I feel I can say this to you. I love you, GE Financial Assurance Bag, with all my heart and soul, but I think it's time for us to start seeing other people. No, please, don't cry. You know I can't stand it when you cry.

What's that? Remember the good times? Well of course I remember the good times, GE Financial Assurance Bag. Peru was a blast, way back in 1998. That was the first time I really realized how handy and capable you really are. Some people base their attraction to a bag on sheer good looks, but seriously, you know I'm not that shallow. No, what really drew me in was your immense versatility. I mean, just look at you. White canvas, which is handily machine washable, and sporty blue straps. So cute, so handy, so bomb-proof!

As we trotted across the globe together I only became more enamored of your special skills. Remember that one night in Australia? No, don't blush. I'd just never seen a bag fit that much stuff inside it. Yeah, I think that's when I realized that my feelings for you went beyond mere admiration. I began to suspect that I was in love.

What's that? Your single best feature? Oh, well there's no contest, GE Financial Assurance Bag. From the moment my father introduced us over a decade ago, I was most attracted to your zipper. No, I know. Most women love little pockets or leather tassels. What can I say. I'm a substance-over-style kind of gal. If you ask me, every bag should have a handy zipper like this. It is the feature that takes you out of the realm of sturdy and practical (though you do inhabit that world quite ably) and sends you shooting into the stratosphere of Damn Near Perfect.

Oh, come on, bag. Haven't we had this conversation before? No bag is perfect, my darling, but Near Perfect is a pretty good start. No, I will not have this conversation right now. What's that? Oh, you hate the way I wear you like a backpack with one strap over each shoulder? Now there is absolutely no need to take that tone with me. Sometimes it's just easier to wear you that way, that's why. What's that? Oh, for crying out loud. Fine. Because SOMETIMES YOUR STUPID SKINNY STRAPS HURT MY SHOULDERS WHEN YOUR'E REALLY HEAVY, OKAY? THAT'S WHY. ARE YOU SATISFIED NOW?

Oh, shit. No, no, please, stop crying. I love you bag, I really do. Look, here, see this picture? Don't we look happy and handsome together? See? No, I know, baby. Yes, I love you too. Here, just look at the picture.

Here, have a tissue, dear. Yes, you're right, we have had a lot of fun in Nicaragua together, that's true. Remember Greece? Oh, that was fun. What's that? Italy? Oh, yeah! Remember that time we were in Napoli and the pizza guy did that crazy stunt with the red wine and then you... yeah, you do remember? God that was fun. I still can't believe you got so clean afterward! I'm glad I have you to reminisce with, GE Financial Assurance Bag. So often you were my only company on the road. I couldn't have asked for a better companion, really.

What other bags? Oh, jeez. Come on, honey. You know those other bags don't mean anything to me. They're just something to, you know, spice up an outfit or something. You're always first in my heart. Yes, I like you better than Olive Green Leather Purse. Yes, and Straw Purse, too, but don't tell Sweet BabyFace and The Fairy King, because Straw Bag was a special gift from them and I don't want to hurt their feelings.

Oh, come on. GE Financial Assurance Bag, you can't keep me on such a tight leash. Yes, you're first in my heart, and I'll take you with me always, everywhere. But you know what they say. If you love something, let it go.

What you do mean, absolute twaddle?! That's not absolute twaddle, that's something very wise I heard once in a movi-- COME BACK IN HERE YOU RIDICULOUS BAG, DON'T YOU WALK OUT ON ME!!!


Renny said...

Cheasty, girl, you so crazy.

Jenna said...

Oh my gosh, you're on a roll, Cheasty. These last few posts you've written since returning to Nicaragua are hilarious! You're awesome. :)

Cheasty said...

Thanks, y'all. It must be all the glue I've been sniffing?

Kate said...

Once again you have professed your love for an inanimate object, I am beginning to question your sanity. Can I start calling you CrazyPants?

Cheasty said...

Oh, Kate, please don't question my sanity! It was a meme! I was tagged! I had to do it! Granted, my style might have been a bit unorthodox, but you can just go ahead and blame MOFM and the HairWrecker, ok?

Craz- er, CHEASTYpants.

Matter Of Fact Mommy said...

i have a feeling lindsey knew that you'd do something like this with a silly meme re: bags...

you are entirely too funny for words, my dear!

Anonymous said...

hee hee loved it. I think GE Financial Assurance Bag might feel better if you give her some Flor de Cana and introduce her to some hot billfolds. You know... just saying... a bag's got needs.


Cheasty said...

mofm, i luurve you.

cookie, GE Financial Assurance owes you a tremendous debt of gratitude. i´ve already flooded her with flor de cana rum, especially that time the bottle broke (pee-yuuu!), but the billfolds... now that´s a hot idea.

Bull City Running Co. said...

Kristinpants, please stop drinking the water.

Anonymous said...

LOVE it. My bag's been all over the place, to, but not to Nicaragua. Or It-lee.

Kate said...

Girl, I luuurrvve crazy! I have a degree in psychology and was a mental health social worker---I attract crazy! Now, please let me know if the bag ever starts talking back to you.

Cheasty said...

bull city: no, don't worry. the faucet told me that the water is just fine!

lindsey: take your bag on a vacation! i recommend nicaragua. now. :)

kate: oh, we're gonna have LOTS to talk about when i get there this spring!