Friday, February 20, 2009

Comprehensive Quarterly Report, Numero Uno

All right, so this isn´t really a comprehensive quarterly update, but what the hell. I´ve got quarterly updates on the mind since I listened to a This American Life podcast in which a gay couple produced business-style Quarterly Reports on Status of Relationship With Significant Other in an attempt to stave off unpredictable emotional breakdowns when one member of the parternship was dissatisfied with the relationship. Their conclusion was that it was an ineffective coping mechanism. Nonetheless, I am delighted by this idea, and am trying to figure out how I might appropriate it for my own life. Suggestions are welcome.

So here is my first ever Comprehensive Quarterly Report, though I predict that future Quarterly Reports will be neither Quarterly nor Comprehensive (discuss). In the style of businessy-like documents, of which I have read precious few in my lifetime, I will use small words where big ones are needed, and big words where small ones would suffice. Also, I will attempt to refer to things that are really obviously named by obtuse verbage. Or nounage, as the case may be. For example, in lieu of saying ¨I,¨ I will instead refer to myself as ¨the product.¨ Also, should I break this thing down into sections? Subheadings? Addenda? Who knows what surprises the future will bring... This Comprehensive Quarterly Report is my oyster.

Section the First: General Assessment of Product Popularity

The product, while subject to standard market fluctuations, remains relatively stable, in that consumers continue to value the product, as evidenced by loving family unit, and effuse communique from the product´s youngest sibling of the female persuasion, currently in Australia. Significantly, the product continues to reach new markets, as evidenced by current product pairing with very nice 76 year old woman, who is currently housed in the same storage unit. We, the directorate, also see new opportunities for expansion in expatriate communities of Dutch citizens, as the product seems to be an especial hit with this demographic, particularly when the product is paired with an alcoholic beverage, particularly beer and rum. As the Dutch demographic abounds in Nicaragua, the directorate sees ample room for the product´s expansion.

Section the Second: Professional Development

The product experienced a brief crisis earlier this quarter when discovery was made of a potential patent violation vis-a-vis production of the product´s dissertation. The management managed to avoid crisis however, by expert application of a team of highly specialized consultants, none of whom were paid a nominal fee, as such work in this field is typically performed pro-bono. At time of publication, the product was happily working away on said dissertation, confident that though the way remain murkily lit, it was lit nonetheless, and the product felt confident of eventual arrival at professional destination.

Section the Second: Expanding Markets

The product is currently set to launch in new markets this coming week. On Monday, our directorate will launch the product in a small town called Mulukukú, a 7 hour bus-ride from the product´s current base in Matagalpa. The product will attempt professional development in said location, and report back to HQ upon completion of one week in new market. The product is quite well-disposed to begin work in this area. Upon completion of one week in Mulukukú, the product will once again breach new ground, this time in a town called La Dahlia. The directorate feels comfortable that ample groundwork has been laid in both locations for the product to land comfortably on its feet, and access these new markets with some degree of facility. The last new market to be accessed in the coming quarter is a city called Jinotega, a city that has a somewhat competitive relationship with Matagalpa such that some of our marketing consultants have compared it to a ¨red-headed stepchild.¨ We at the directorate anxiously await news of what that might actually mean. In sum, the product will be traveling extensively in this mountainous region over the next few weeks. All told, the product will withdraw from Nicaragua on March 24, a mere month away, more or less, making the product realize just exactly how badly she needs to ¨ponerse las pilas.¨ (put in her batteries)

Section the Fourth: Upcoming Company Events

All work and no play makes the product a dull girl, thus the directorate has in the past made serious efforts to enliven the social calendar for our product and product affiliates. Reports of the last Company Picnic, held last weekend at the Laguna de Apoyo, are replete with tales of relaxation, swimming, and fun with an affliate company, Lolita of Austin. Additionally, in between marketing incursions in Mulukukú and La Dahlia, we will hold a joint corporate retreat here in Matagalpa with a company called Doc of León, and all reports are that both the product and Doc are looking foward to said corporate retreat. Due to budget cuts, and in light of the economic crisis, the directorate has summarily jettisoned ideas to fly Doc in on a private jet. Other than these two retreats, however, the product is dedicated solely to her professional development, so it´s a good think she enjoys her work. (Author´s note: have I crossed the line from illogical to unitelligible? Have I spelled unintelligible incorrectly?)

Conclusion: A Conclusion

All in all, it´s been a good little while up here in Matagalpa, and while I´m looking forward to my upcoming travels, I am DESPERATELY happy to know that in just a little over a month, I´ll be on my way back home. Of course, once I get there I´ll hit the road almost immediately again, but still. It´s symbolic, I guess. Hot water and washing machines... mmmm. The very thought makes me weak at the knees.


Frank Irwin said...

Maybe it's just me, but I like the posts where you used words like "dookie" better.

Renny said...

The product can't count. Reference the numerous "section the second"s.

Llamame nena, I meees you!!

Kate said...

Yeah, what Frank Erwin, I mean Irwin, said.

This one made me feel stoooopid. (Entertained immensely, but stoooopid.)

Cheasty said...

D´oh. I kind of felt like this would be the result. Well, no matter. I was entertained, at least, and I´ll post a summary of this post tomorrow para que todo quede claro!

Kate said...

I think it is more a sign of our (my) lack of intelligence or at least our (my) inability to verbally compete with the deliciousness of your words. That and I have bad habit of skimming; wordage like this makes me concentrate (ooh, ick) which is good for me. Write what you want to write--to hell with the rest of us!