Sunday, May 10, 2009

Captain Mommypants Has a Miracle

OK, I know it's pretty standard-issue stuff to claim that your own mother is the best mother in the world, an angel from heaven, and a damn funny woman, but folks, I've got proof. Blog, in case you have never before been introduced to my amazing Captain Mommypants, please take a moment on Mother's Day to salute her, for she is all that is good and golden in this world.

Aha! I hear you skeptical mother-lovers out there. "THE BEST?" you ask. "Well my mother is pretty wonderful, too, so this had better be some pretty good proof." Well hold on to your hats, my precious petunias. It turns out... (looking furtively over both shoulders, then stage whispering) my mother is fireproof.

Yes, that's right. I said fireproof. See this glove?

This glove was on my mother's hand a few weeks ago while she was over at her church helping to renovate the sanctuary on account of it's shudderingly awful green color. And also because the roof had collapsed in the recent rains, but mostly because of the color, a particularly lurid shade of mint green. All things considered, the roof falling in was considered a sign from God that a redecoration was in order, as going to church there was like being on the inside of a toothpaste tube.

She and a bunch of her parishioners were spending the afternoon tearing up the green carpet, painting over the green walls, and removing the green paint from the woodwork and trim around the sanctuary. So there was Captain Mommypants, merrily scrubbing away at the baseboards with a steel wool pad, some heavy chemical stripping agent, and a pair of rather flimsy rubber gloves. Now I wasn't there, so I can't vouch for the story (though the above photo rather speaks for itself, I think) but apparently as she was clearing a patch near the fusebox, the steel wool hit the fusebox, and the heat from the friction, the chemicals and whatnot... KABOOM! Her entire hand went up in a giant fireball. Ever cool, calm, and collected, did Captain Mommypants scream and flail about? She did not. Instead, as flames engulfed her arm and climbed towards her head, she hustled her way out of the church ("so the church didn't catch fire!" she explained), and with her ungloved hand, reached over, grabbed the burning glove off her hand and threw it on the ground where somebody else stamped out the flames.

So how badly burned was she?

"Not even a heat rash!" she told me, looking more than a little mystified.

I think I'm not the only one that loves my mother.

Happy Mother's Day to all you mommies out there, but especially to my very own, very special, very amazing Captain Mommypants.


Mala said...

And that's why I avoid cleaning of any sort! No way do I want my hand to burst into flames!

Glad she was unharmed!

Kate said...

Loyal readers have known for quite sometime that the Pants family is both magnificent and dynamic, but superhuman?? Who would have thought that an entire family of superheros was living amongst us? While not all of the Pants family's powers have been revealed, we do know of these:

Mommypants: Fireproof, obviously. Completely selfless and devoted to others, maybe not so obvious.

Umulu: Impervious to pain, especially when practicing digit reduction.

Cheastypants: Super shiny hair that can woo even the toughest of men and a billion kilowatt smile that can blind those who look directly at it.

I know I speak for the rest of your fans when I say that we cannot wait for the next installment of The Continued Adventures of Amazing Cheastypants (and Family.)

Anonymous said...

ha ha. I'm with Kate - super powers abound with the 'Pants family! Soon you'll reveal the powers of fairy king and crasey?


Cheasty said...

ha! you guys are hilarious. coming soon - the superpowers of FK, Crasey, and Superdad. stay tuned...

Anonymous said...

Ah Ha!! NOw you better have something good to say on Father's Day!
P.S. I do vouch for the miracle, the protection of angels etc for "Mommypants"-- how else could she have survived so long otherwise?

Daddy socks

Mr. Poopie said...

Oh c'mon, I can't be the only one who raises an eyebrow at someone who ACTUALLY caught fire in a church . . . . can I?

jessica o said...

LOL @ Mala!

What a cool cat! I wouldn't even remember to stop, drop and roll.

Cheasty said...

Oh my goodness, Superdad just commented! Cleverly disguised as "daddy socks," which i have to admit is a great moniker. Never fear, my superdad, your Father's Day Post shall break records for greatness!

mr. poopie, i have no earthly idea what you are implying, sir.

jessica o, you are correct. cool cat, indeed!

clergywm said...

My darling daughter,
Simply more proof that I'm one HOT Mama!
L, H, & K,
Captain Mommypants

Cheasty said...

Mom. Ouch. You're fired.