Monday, September 21, 2009

Lend Me Your Mean

Friends, Romans, countrymen: lend me your mean. Yes, I said mean. Bring me your impishness and your mischief. Loan me the evil glimmer in your eye. Assist me, if you will, and help me whet my killer instinct, for I find myself sorely lacking in this time of need. You see, my dears, I have been attacked by fiends disguised as good friends, and though in the past I have fallen short of prankster glory (see last year's insult-a-thon and email-bomb with my good friend Mutt, a story I strongly encourage you to read or re-read, just for the sheer glory of the experience), this time I shall not fail, I shall not fall short, and I will prevail. But to do so, I fear I need some help.

First let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up. I was dining the other evening with my friends Bake and Toto, a married couple who pride themselves on puckish pranksterism. At some point, the word douchebag came up, and though the conversation about using the term as an insult meandered hither and thither, in the end I mentioned that it would be nice if just once we, as a culture, could come up with a gender-neutral way of insulting each other. For example, why douchebag? Why not, I offered, just call each other "enema face?" We chuckled and chortled, ultimately deciding that while enema-face did have its charms, it didn't come trippingly off the tongue, and ought to be discarded. After dinner we parted ways, and when I came back to my car (which I had foolishly left at Bake and Toto's house) later that night, it was to find that somebody had decorated my car.

And then on the side:

ENEMA FACE? And as if that wasn't bad enough, they MISSPELLED ENEMA. Enima? I hear from unconfirmed and anonymous sources that they did this on purpose, correctly divining that I would be mildly embarrassed to drive through the streets of Austin with ENEMA written on the back of my car, but ENIMA? Oh, god, may the earth swallow me whole. Actually, if you look at the picture, you can see where I tried to move the shaving cream around to make the "i" into an "e." I failed.

The PORN STAR and shaving cream on the door handle was a nice touch, I have to say. In fact, the whole trick was neatly done. No permanent damage incurred, and the whole thing was very funny, with just a kick of public humiliation thrown in for good measure. I love these kinds of games!

So that is where I stand. While I did "accidentally" dump half a pitcher of water onto Toto's lap the other day (actually, that was quite good, if I do say so myself), I must exact retribution that is swift, just, and more-or-less merciful, while still getting them back good. I'm great at pranking folks I live with - short sheeting, saran wrap on the toilet, toothpaste on the potty seat, rubber bands around the hose nozzle at the sink so it squirts the person in the shirt, etc. But I fear right now I am out of my depth. I lack the killer instinct for really getting somebody good, sadly. What on earth shall I do?


Kate said...

I am assuming that your friends are similar-minded to you in the world of could always sign them up for an extremely right-wing publication (year paid in full.) A small price to pay for revenge.

If I were there I would hug you for your Princess Bride reference. You are too good.

Frank Irwin said...

Only you, Cheastypants, would correct the spelling of a prank directed at you, rather than erase it!

I once mowed a giant ATM (no not a money vending machine) into my Longhorn neighbors' front yard, while they were out of town at a wedding. He said that, on his drive home, his wife told him that the yard needed to be mowed, but he said he would do it the next day, because he had the worst hangover he'd ever had.

He mowed it when he got home. :-)

Mr. Poopie said...

Oh dear Cheasty, I fear you are too sweet. In my professional prankster opinion, you must take no prisoners. This is your chance to exact a merciless revenge; you my dear, must go for the jugular.

Lucky for you, I have the precise training necessary to carry out such malicious and devious crafts of counter-pranksterism. Provide me with the parameters of your vengeance, and I promise that the last laugh shall be yours! Muahahahaha!

Cheasty said...

Kate - I accept your virtual hug, and commend you for applauding me. I deserve so much praise, and receive so little. ;) Your revenge idea is awesome, and merits due consideration. Or OOH, what about a porn magazine?! hehehehe.

Frank - you win the prize for "going farthest out of his way to prank" my friend. In fact, from now on i will call you Prank Irwin.

Mr. Poopie - thank you, my gallant knight, I knew I could count on you in time of need. Basically I don't want to cause any harm or undue levels of public humiliation. I considered saran wrapping their front door in the middle of the night so that when they opened it in the morning they'd walk right into it. But stink, only one of them would hit the wrap. This is the problem, trying to get both of them at once.

Kate said...

I find it hard to believe that with all of your wonderfulness you don't get get all of the praise you deserve. Have you not been getting the emails from the Cheastypants Fan Club aka The Society for the Ego-Stroking of the most Glorious, Beautiful, Talented, and Humorous Member of the Pants family that I Have Met In Person? Oh wait, did I forget to add you to the email distribution list? Whoops.

If you are going to send porn, make sure it is a disgusting fetish magazine like Men Who Love Rakes and other Garden Implements.

Renny said...

What a great story! Unfortunately, I have never been much of a prankster myself, so I have no advice for you other than to suggest that you consult my hermanito.

Cheasty said...

Kate - Your in-depth knowledge of porn frightens me. And yes, please subscribe me to your newsletter. :)

Renny - ok, tell hermanito to read the blog and offer suggestions!

Frank Irwin said...

Kate, Men Who Love Rakes and other Garden Implements has some good articles!

Kate said...

I really missed an opportunity here...I should have said Men Who Love Hoes and Other Garden Implements. Dang it.

How do you do italics in your comments?? Desperate minds want to know.

Frank Irwin said...

Yes, "hoes" would've been much better.

Look here for tags.

Renny said...

Cheasty, my poor hermanito is currently blocked from blogger, apparently the Chinese govt does that for fun every so often. Silly China.

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