Tuesday, January 15, 2008
This Is Why I Love My Friends
These are my friends Mutt and Nan. I love them. Nan is wearing a hat that says "will work for sex." I can't vouch for the veracity of that statement.
So this is why I love my friends. The following is a transcription of a recent email exchange between me and my friend Mutt. Mutt's wife Nan (all names are changed to protect the identity of police investigations) is really cool, and while having drinks a week ago, we started talking about having an Italian food dinner party with some great recipes we wanted to try out. This is what happened when I tried to get Mutt to give me Nan's email. (P.S. The 'cat piss' he refers to is not random. His cat peed in my car. I hate his cat.)
FIRST, CHEASTY WROTE:
> > hi mutt,
> > you are such a loser. you were, like, totally
> > supposed to give Nan my email, but what a lame-o
> > you turned out to be. completely unreliable.
> > so would you give me her schmemail so i can write
> > to her and plan all sorts of ways to have fun without
> > you?
> > cheasty
> > ps. i just got the moosewood cookbook and am inspired
> > a million ways from yesterday for new ethnic meals i
> > want to plan. want to have a dinner party? or twelve?
THEN MUTT WROTE:
> The tone of your email is completely uncalled for.
> I have plenty more
> cat piss to spray around if you are not more
> respectful of my
> feelings. The reason why I have not emailed you
> Nan's email is
> simple: she's my wife, I own her, and must monitor
> all communications.
> If I told you her email was XXXX@XXX.COM then
> I would have less
> control over her and wives can't make decisions
> (good ones anyway)
> without an all-knowing strong husband (like
> myself... have you seen my
> PS: What the hell are "ethnic meals?" Do we eat
> yes, a dinner party or 12 sounds absolutely
> P.P.S: I don't think you should call people
> "lame-os" that is
> derogatory toward disabled people. Your so
THEN CHEASTY WROTE BACK:
I don't know who died and left you in charge, bucko,
but you'd better get a grip on your overblown ego, and
i mean pronto. I don't know how to say this without
sounding like i could kick your ass, but I could kick
your ass. if i want to talk to your wife, i will. if
i want to eat a lot of ethnics, i will. if i want to
look at pictures of you on my laptop and squeeze your
head like kids in the hall, i will. and you and your
bulging biceps can't stop me.
best regards to you and yours in this holiday season,
STAY TUNED FOR THE NEXT EDITION OF "CHEASTY AND MUTT TAUNT EACH OTHER MERCILESSLY, WITH VIOLENT DISREGARD FOR THE BOUNDS OF PROPRIETY, NOT TO MENTION POLITICAL CORRECTNESS."