Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Amazing Cheastypants Does Mighty Battle With Archnemesis

MANAGUA, NICARAGUA - After a prolonged cease-fire, hailed by many international observers as an unparalleled success, outright war was once again declared today between the Amazing Cheastypants and her long-time archnemesis, General Oblivion. There remains widespread confusion about who, precisely, began hostile action, as both sides lay the blame squarely at the feet of the opposition. The UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon expressed disappointment at the renewed hostilities, and indicated his intentions to work closely with both parties to once again reach a peace settlement.

"I am gravely disappointed in General Oblivion's unheralded and unnecessary attack today," declared Amazing Cheastypants from her headquarters here in Managua. "Believing our peace to be a lasting one, I invited my former nemesis in good faith to a potluck lunch with me today at the archive. His contribution, however, was a drinkable yogurt long past its due date. Imagine my surprise when he shook it strongly, put it in my bag, and began laughing like a madman when it exploded all over everything, soaking my papers, my wallet, my umbrella, even my notebook in a pungent and frothy yogurt bath. Needless to say, I am outraged, and will do all in my power to bring General Oblivion to an ignominious defeat." General Oblivion renewed attacks later that afternoon when he attempted to make Amazing Cheastypants eat a rancid pasta salad. "Yes, he tried to defeat me again this afternoon," conceded Amazing Cheastypants, though witnesses indicated that she immediately "spat it out and roundly cursed the evil Oblivion."

General Oblivion refused to be interviewed for this report, though his spokesman did snicker unbecomingly and mutter, "She started it," under his breath when asked about the attack. Sources close to the General have intimated to this reporter Oblivion's intention to continue catching Amazing Cheastypants off guard and attacking without mercy. Amazing Cheastypants, for her part, has put out a general call for support from her allies, and intends to ward off all future attacks by General Oblivion through a combination of canny allocation of defensive resources, and heightened vigilance at traditional weak spots around the perimeter.

6 comments:

Mr. Poopie said...

I know some people who are very efficient at procuring internal organs . . . if you know what I mean. Have your people call my people.

Cheasty said...

oh, i just KNEW i couldn't trust massage therapists! they just lull you into a fugue state, and then, WHAP! there goes your kidney.

Renny said...

General Oblivion also attacked you on the Tweed front! Last night, I found an old stew of yours in our freezer from who-knows-when. That sneaky sneaky Oblivion.

Cheasty said...

ah yes. i remembered that the other day, actually. a lovely chicken broth, that was. so delish. vintage 2007, i believe, which was an excellent year for broths. may i recommend that you accompany it with a fine chianti?

Memphis Steve said...

Oh, those ceasefires never last. It's just a formal way of saying "no, you put down your gun first." "No, you"

Cheasty said...

no, not until you do. ok, we'll do it at the same time. one... two.... thr- hey! put down your gun!

memphis steve, are you sitting on a toilet? that is so crazy.