Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Nicaragua: Where Bad Pop Songs Go To Die

Dear Nicaragua,

I love you, I really really do. I mean, you know. Insofar as it is possible to love a country that can't really love you back. But for what it's worth, I enjoy spending time with you, I plan on encouraging other people I meet in life to come down and visit you, and while I wouldn't mind if you had slightly fewer mosquitos and a more reliable, less risky form of public transit, for the most part I think you are just dandy, especially the parts of you that are volcanoes, beaches, lakes, and friendly people. Therefore, I want you to know that what I'm about to say to you comes from love, and I hope you can accept in in the spirit of constructive criticism.

So this is what I want to say to you: What in the sweet name of all that is holy are you doing with your radio stations? Why, when there are literally millions and millions of really good songs out there in the world, many of them from this very country, would you choose to play Phil Collins' "Another Day in Paradise" approximately 67 times a day? I hate that song, as does every self-respecting citizen of the world, and if I have to listen to it one more time on the bus or in a taxi, or blaring from my neighbor's yard, I might become homicidal. I really think you ought to reconsider your musical choices.

Nicaragua, I want you also to talk to the librarians at the historical archive for me, ok? Could you just sort of tap them on the shoulder, whisper in their ear, or something? Just let them know, in very kind terms, that it's extraordinarily hard to read official reports of any stripe without falling asleep. Having pop radio on in the background doesn't help, especially when I have to work that extra little bit harder to read it in Spanish, only to have "I wanna beeeee just as close as... the Hoooolllllly Ghost is... I wanna lay you dooowwwwwn in a bed of roses," running through my mind. I mean, it's a library, right? Aren't libraries, of all places, supposed to be just a little bit quieter than, say, a local street fair?

I mean, there I sit, reading things like "En el año 1980, planeamos a brindar servicios de salud a los pueblos más lejanos de Nicaragua," but what I'm really thinking (humming), is, "Just call me angel... of the morning, angel..." Can you understand the difficulties this causes me? In my doctoral thesis I cannot write that in 1985, Minister of Health Lea Guido resigned her position, at which point the government appointed to the same position a woman named "Cracklin' rose, you're a store-bought woman, but you make me sing like a guitar hummin'." And it might raise eyebrows if I were to report that in 1987 the government recognized the excellent work of the new Minister of Health in the areas of maternal-infant health by proclaiming, "Once... twice... three times a laaaaaddyyyyyyyy." I recognize that the librarians are quite bored, and in between polishing their nails, applying scented lotion to their arms, checking their reflection in the mirror 30 times, and walking around on impossibly high heels in various lurid colors, they need a little distraction from the mundane nature of their work. I really really do understand. But couldn't they play good music? Just once in a while?

Please, Nicaragua. Help me out here.

Yours respectfully,

Cheasty

9 comments:

Mr. Poopie said...

Just be happy they're not blasting reggea. Cuz you know, your reports could start out like, In 1985 . . . she call me mr boombastic!

Cheasty said...

...say me fantastic, touch me on my back, she says I'm Mr Ro...mantic!

Anonymous said...

i want pictures of these librarians.. they sound fun... lurid heels... who doesnt love those??


as for the music... old pop only has its place in cheesy themed house parties at this point. but i suppose mr poopie is right, it could be worse... imagine, just for a second, that you were listening to first gen Brittany Spears. Or any Brittany Spears for that matter. I know how much you love her! ;-)


The Fairy King

H-SPO said...

c'mon KCM. you love that crap. i know you do. you know the words and sing to EVERYTHING.

Cheasty said...

I know, H-SPO, but THAT'S THE FREAKING PROBLEM!! I can't stop singing the stupid words, and then i realize that i'm not reading anything. and i truly truly do hate that phil collins song. almost as much as I hate anything by the Police. not quite, but almost. barf. see? i just threw up in my mouth, just thinking about it.

PrincessPi said...

I have the same problem where I live. I live in a part of Manhattan called Washington Heights, which is basically Little Dominican Republic, and they blast the same frickin' song Gasolina all the time. ALL THE TIME.

Ear plugs, my friend. Or an ipod playing a recording of a really loud thunder storm on a continuous loop.

PS: Wanna get those songs out of your head? Gobble gobble gobble the turkey gobbles...see, all this is just karmic PAYBACK!

Jennoit said...

Funny story. I'm an archivist, but here in Canada we don't wear lurid colours and our heels (if worn at all - Birkenstocks are more common, although also a problem) are low.

Cheasty said...

princesspi -- CURSE YOU, WOMAN! i've had that stupid turkey song stuck in my head all stupid day. thanks a whole big stupid lot! :)

jennoit -- an archivist! of what? ooh, i'm excited. especially about the birkenstocks, though, as i feel perpetually under-dressed here.

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