Monday, October 27, 2008

In Which Amazing Cheastypants Bravely Battles Scary Hairy Creatures in the Shower

I, Amazing Cheastypants, am one heck of a brave lady. When faced with frightening situations, I toss my abundant curls with reckless abandon and sally forth in a courageous manner. Face to face with evil horrible hairy monsters, I laugh outrageously in the face of danger and wave a glittering weapon about my head in the manner of Joan of Arc, summoning her troops to battle. I know not fear, have never encountered timidity, and disregard personal safety in my determination to vanquish horrific and terrifying evil creatures. I am Amazing Cheastypants, and none shall defeat me! Cue triumphal trumpet-and-drum music! Bring me my glamorous charger, that fine steed of noble lineage who carries me valiantly into battle, his long and bountiful mane waving gaily in the propitious breeze. Good fortune be with me! Ta-daaaaa!

Thus it was this morning in the shower, when shampooing the Amazing Cheastypants Hair, I happened to open my eyes and see the biggest, grizzliest, hairiest, nastiest spider in the world climbing toward me on the shower curtain. At first, I admit it, I panicked. I screamed, I hopped from one foot to the other, I jumped out of the shower and dripped suds all over the floor, wringing my hands, and shrieked, "oh-my-god-oh-my-god-oh-my-god" at the top of my lungs. This is an artistic re-creation of how I felt:



This, however, was neither appropriate behavior for a superhero such as myself, nor was it particularly productive, being that now the spider was OUT OF SIGHT and might at any moment come flying through the air in the manner of Spiderman and LAND ON ME. And since I was naked, who knew where it might land? Maybe ON MY BOOBIES! Maybe ON MY BARE FEET! (I have an unnatural fear of gross things touching my bare feet.) ACK. Must calm down, must calm down. So I gathered my wits about me, and beat the shower curtain so Spider-Enemy would go into hiding. Sufficiently convinced that I couldn't find him, I got back in the shower and finished rinsing my hair (quickly! quickly!), got out, dried off, went to get dressed, and then prepared myself to do battle with the Horrible Evil Icky Hairy Spider-Enemy. I had my weapons with me: digital camera, colander, and cutting board. I was ready, and Spider-Enemy was no match for my formidable superpowers. In short order, I had corralled the pesky nemesis, and emerged triumphant from the donnybrook.



Of course, being the benevolent and magnanimous superhero that I am, I did not send the Spider-Enemy to the stake, but instead let him go free in a green and verdant pasture, with a strict warning not to bother me again.



Only the future will tell if Spider-Enemy will comply, but I left with the impression that he was properly chastened and apologetic, and I remain hopeful for a lasting peace. My work here is done, and I will now depart in a flurry of glamour and gorgeous amazingness. Don't be concerned if the air where I once stood glitters and shimmers for some time after my departure; it was always thus.

18 comments:

Kate said...

Holy shit!! I think I would have to move if I found a spider that big in my house. 8 legs? It's just not natural.

Anonymous said...

eeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!

i think i would have DIED if i had looked up in the shower and seen that!! eww-eww-eww-eww-eww-eww-eww-eww!!


i agree with kate... not a natural thing. i wouldnt have just moved, i might not have showered again. ever.

well, that last parts not true.... just not in that shower.


The Fairy King

The Creative Housewife said...

Oh. My. Gosh. I'd be on the first plane outta there! LOL

Bull City Running Co. said...

My dearest most Continually Amazingest Cheastypantiest,

You might recall that once upon a time YOU accused ME of living MY life in superlatives. Ha! I'm no match for you and your biggest, grizzliest, hairiest, nastiest spider in the world! I've been out-superlativated!? Out-superlatated!?
Out-done!

Lots of love,
Super Understated Kim

Anonymous said...

im astounded by your compassion. that thing would have been in so many pieces that it would be absolutely impossible for it to EVER recover and then i would kill it some more with toxic cleaning chemicals and then i would have taken it to a hot lava pit and thrown it in, while i waited to make sure it didn't make an ashy return to my bathroom. xoxox c

Prunella Jones said...

Oh my God! You ARE a brave woman. Just loking at that spider over the computer is making me want to wimper with fear and suck my thumb.

Hold me!

Renny said...

Yikes! Did I tell you about when the cockroach attacked me in my shower in Mexico City? It tickled my neck with its little antennae, and then I screamed and made Claudia come rescue me. She trapped it on its back under the garbage bin, and we left it there for the doorman/helper dude to take care of in the morning. You are ten times braver than the two of us combined.

Cheasty said...

Wow, I guess I'm not the only one who freaks out about spiders! Honestly, I probably would've squashed it flat, except that back when I worked in the Amazon I learned that tarantulas aren't actually poisonous, and at one point (i was very drunk) i even let one crawl up my arm. (i was very scared.) at any rate, in my panicky haze, I did manage to remember the old "do no harm" mantra, and got myself together.

shout-out here to MY LITTLE SISTER CRASEY who just today, for the very first time managed to comment on my blog, and also to KIM, who also just commented for the first time. you super little lurkers, you. welcome into the sunshine of comment-landia. :)

and welcome to the creative housewife! i'm off to check out your blog now...

clergywm said...

My dear Amazing Cheastypants,
In response to the spider, think Letty and I with the copperhead in the backyard creek all those years ago! The spider wouldn't have stood a chance! The vile creature!!
Love, hugs and kisses,
Captain Mommypants

H-SPO said...

Good thing your boobies are safe.

Cheasty said...

mom - i just don't think i have your blood-lust, dude. that copperhead was in a million pieces!

h-spo - yes, i'm quite pleased. would hate to have tarantulas crawling all over my boobies.

Lindsey said...

HHHEEELLLLLLLL NO! UGH, spiders. I loathe them. I have a rule: if they are outside, I leave them alone. If they invade my territory, they have threatened my life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness and must die. And that spider? The stuff of nightmares. I should know, gigantic spiders are my one recurring nightmare. No kidding.

Lahrynn said...

Linsey: Word.

I have the willies now. Aaaugh!

Mr. Poopie said...

You know, I bet you his spider-friends dared him to go in there as a prank. Poor guy. He was just in there hanging out, probably ridding the bathroom of insects, and BAM!!!! Full frontal nudity. He will never be the same . . . .

Cheasty said...

Oh, come on Lindsey, come on, Lahrynn! Give peace a chance!

And mr. poopie, I'm disappointed with you. poor spider?! it's supposed to be "poor cheasty," thank you very much. that spider was the size of a t-rex.

Lahrynn said...

Dude. I just looked at that spider pic again, and yup, willies again. ** brrrrr **

Something was crawling on my arm last night. I woke up and smacked it off. NO idea what it was, but it was big enough to wake me up. (I.e. not a mosquito or a fly.) Spider maybe? Some big bug?

I know, I shouldn't complain -- I'm not in a 3rd world country battling spiders the size of saucers. But still. Gah.

Lahrynn in Sacramento

Cary said...

Wow, that's a huge frickin' spider. Kudos to you for not snuffing him out. He just got lost looking for water.

Wait.. did someone say BOOBIES?

Cheasty said...

whoa, hey there, cary! long time no see!