I, Amazing Cheastypants, am one heck of a brave lady. When faced with frightening situations, I toss my abundant curls with reckless abandon and sally forth in a courageous manner. Face to face with evil horrible hairy monsters, I laugh outrageously in the face of danger and wave a glittering weapon about my head in the manner of Joan of Arc, summoning her troops to battle. I know not fear, have never encountered timidity, and disregard personal safety in my determination to vanquish horrific and terrifying evil creatures. I am Amazing Cheastypants, and none shall defeat me! Cue triumphal trumpet-and-drum music! Bring me my glamorous charger, that fine steed of noble lineage who carries me valiantly into battle, his long and bountiful mane waving gaily in the propitious breeze. Good fortune be with me! Ta-daaaaa!
Thus it was this morning in the shower, when shampooing the Amazing Cheastypants Hair, I happened to open my eyes and see the biggest, grizzliest, hairiest, nastiest spider in the world climbing toward me on the shower curtain. At first, I admit it, I panicked. I screamed, I hopped from one foot to the other, I jumped out of the shower and dripped suds all over the floor, wringing my hands, and shrieked, "oh-my-god-oh-my-god-oh-my-god" at the top of my lungs. This is an artistic re-creation of how I felt:
This, however, was neither appropriate behavior for a superhero such as myself, nor was it particularly productive, being that now the spider was OUT OF SIGHT and might at any moment come flying through the air in the manner of Spiderman and LAND ON ME. And since I was naked, who knew where it might land? Maybe ON MY BOOBIES! Maybe ON MY BARE FEET! (I have an unnatural fear of gross things touching my bare feet.) ACK. Must calm down, must calm down. So I gathered my wits about me, and beat the shower curtain so Spider-Enemy would go into hiding. Sufficiently convinced that I couldn't find him, I got back in the shower and finished rinsing my hair (quickly! quickly!), got out, dried off, went to get dressed, and then prepared myself to do battle with the Horrible Evil Icky Hairy Spider-Enemy. I had my weapons with me: digital camera, colander, and cutting board. I was ready, and Spider-Enemy was no match for my formidable superpowers. In short order, I had corralled the pesky nemesis, and emerged triumphant from the donnybrook.
Of course, being the benevolent and magnanimous superhero that I am, I did not send the Spider-Enemy to the stake, but instead let him go free in a green and verdant pasture, with a strict warning not to bother me again.
Only the future will tell if Spider-Enemy will comply, but I left with the impression that he was properly chastened and apologetic, and I remain hopeful for a lasting peace. My work here is done, and I will now depart in a flurry of glamour and gorgeous amazingness. Don't be concerned if the air where I once stood glitters and shimmers for some time after my departure; it was always thus.