Friday, April 17, 2009


Oh Blog, thank you so much for your entries in the GUESS CHEASTY'S TRUE NEW HEIGHT competition. At long last (ahem, 24 hours) we have a winner! Woo-hooo, wowza, fantastic! Let us go now to the stadium where I am about to crown the winner of our little competition with a delicious cupcake.

The arena is packed to the rafters, throngs of Amazing Cheastypants's most devoted fans on hand to see just how tall their beloved could possibly have grown. Suddenly, the lights dim, and a spotlight trains on one of the doors. As triumphant music fills the air, the doors open, and a diminutive person runs into the arena, arms waving in the air. The crowd goes wild as our winner approaches the podium to receive the WINNER'S CUPCAKE, but gasp! The winner is covered up in one of those satin boxing robes with an outsized hood! All we can discern is that the person is unbearably tiny, laughably petite. Who is it? the people murmur. Who could it possibly be?!

The crowd grows quiet as the winner steps up on the podium and prepares to show his or her face. Is it a midget? the people whisper to each other, straining their eyes. A hush falls over the stadium, a sense of anticipation leaves everybody's nerves taut with excitement.

And then the air begins to shimmer. And then to sparkle, and then cheers erupt from the populace as AMAZING CHEASTYPANTS WALKS ON STAGE! Oh, joy, oh hysteria! We knew, of course, that she was breathtakingly beautiful, but how much more gorgeous and glamorous could she possibly grow? The sky, it would seem, is the limit! The journalists scribble madly in their notepads, not wanting to forget to mention Amazing Cheastypants's diamond-studded dress, her acres and acres of beautiful bouncy hair, or the way she seems to float upon the stage as if suspended from the ceiling by silken strands of spun gold. Ahhhhhh, sighs the crowd. If she was utterly lovely at five foot one and three-eighths of an inch, how much more glamorous is she now at...

"FIVE FOOT TWO INCHES!!!" cries the victor, throwing off her hood to reveal the dear face of none other than...

PENATA THE WONDER-SHRIMP! Hooray, Penata, you excellent guesser! I will anoint your teeny tiny head with many cupcakes, although I might ask you to stand on a ladder while I do it so I don't have to bend down so far. (Mwa-hahahaha.)


Frank Irwin said...

Oh, nice way to lord it over poor (but not cupcake-poor) Penata.

Congrats, Penata!

Kate said...

Well played Penata, well played.

It is nice to know that I am taller than not just one, but two whole people.

Renny said...

Mwahaha, I WIN!! Delicious cupcake, here I come!

Matter Of Fact Mommy said...

so you're 5'2"? i tower above you, my adorable midget friend. (hey, you said it! "is it a midget?")


very cute - i love you and your stories.