Monday, February 4, 2008

Things I Do When I'm Drunk

Umulu and I are drinking to excess.  Both a bottle deep tonight.  Her sober boyfreind walked in, and wants it to be broadcast about the planet that he IS A DRAG.  We disagree stridently, but, as Umulu would say, "whatevs, yo."  and "bitches."

Here are the things that Umulu and I have learned about men, love, and the meaning of life from romance novels.  P.S., don't tell anybody we admitted to reading romance novels, ok? Unless you count Paradise, by Judith McNaught, the greatest romance novel ever, except for maybe Julia Quinn. When He Was Wicked. That's all we've got to say about that.

OK.  Here it goes.  Ten things we've learned about life from romance novels.

1.  "Laving" of the nipple apparently feels REALLY good.  We do not know why "to lave" is not a more commonly used verb in the English language.  But then again, romance novels are where excellent and underused vocabulary goes to die.  Counterpane?  Barouche? Gone, except for in romance novels.  But laving really ought to be reincorporated, as it's been known to induce orgasm.
2.  Kidnapping is the most romantic of the modes of courtship.  Like laving of the nipples, kidnapping can, in appropriate circumstances, induce orgasm.
3.  Good-looking Englishmen abound in the aristocracy.  Surprisingly, most are Dukes. Occasionally an earl, but regardless, they are all very tan.  And virile.  And have killed multiple men in duels.
4.  Right before a heroine is about to be murdered by a Bad Guy, the Bad Guy usually wastes about 15 minutes explaining what he did, why he did it, and what he's about to do.  This annoying habit of logorrhea inevitably allows for the hero to arrive on the scene just in time to save the day.  In unusual cases, the heroine is exceptionally brave and takes a bullet (which always misses bones and major organs) for the hero, thus proving her love, loyalty, and devotion.  This is an exceptionally useful way of cementing a budding romance.
5. Extensive sexual activity with women of ill repute does not necessarily lead to  venereal disease unless you are the Bad Guy in the romance novel, in which case, you are riddled with the pox.
6.Women only have "nests of curls at the apex of their thighs," and never have to shave their legs to achieve that silky smooth feeling.  Bitches.
7. Pirates, without fail, are either a) fabulously weathly, or b) of noble birth.  In the best of circumstances, they combine the two.  Unless of course, they are the Bad Guy, in which case, they are largely Spanish.
8. No nobleman ever shirked his duty to the Crown (unless he was a Bad Guy).  If truth be told, every nobleman in England was actually a spy in France against the Napoleonic horde.  Many were tortured.  Most retained their good looks.
9. Shy women, when paired with the right man (usually domineering, charasmatic, and in possession of a grand fortune) inevitably turn into tigers in the bedroom.  Claw marks down the back are not unheard of, surprising all involved, not least, the heroine.
10. Reformed rakes make the best husbands.


Alison said...

This is a fabulous list! I feel so much better educated now and indeed a tad curious about these romance novels and this laving of which you speak.

carymc said...

I like #9 but it's not really true. I like to think #10 is, though.

Great list!