Wednesday, April 9, 2008

All Right, Confess. Who Did It?

Apparently I'm about to become a police officer. In Plano, Texas. Where the f&ck is Plano? This, I never saw coming. All day long I've been getting emails from somebody named Maegan Schmitz. I kid you not. Her last name really is Schmitz. Say it out loud. Schmitz! I love it.

Ms. Schmitz is a terse and taciturn type (pause here for celebratory Dance of Alliteration) who began sending me emails around 8am yesterday with alarmist subject headings like "DEADLINE TO REGISTER TOMORROW @ 5PM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (18 exclamation points. I counted.) and inspirational photographs like the following:



This, plus the photograph, is the the entire text of the first email:

DEADLINE TOMORROW @ 5PM TO REGISTER!!!!!
Registration packet is attached!!!!

So I wrote back to Maegan. "Dear Ms. Schmitz," I wrote. "I seem to have been placed on an email list accidentally. I am not interested in applying to be a Plano Police Officer. Could you please remove my name from whatever list you are using for recruitment? Thanks so much."

She wrote back: "Your email has been removed."

Simple, right? No, not at all. I continued to receive emails, so I wrote to Maegan again. Over the intervening hours, I'd become curious as to how Plano had gotten my email. I won't go into details, but it's not an easy email address to mix up, you know? I mean, for one thing, it's a compound word, and for another, IT HAS THE NAME CHEASTY IN IT. Cheasty. A name whose pronunciation and spelling have been happily confounding people for a couple of centuries in both Ireland and the United States. If my address was, say, janesmith@dingleberry.com, I would understand, but Cheasty? I became curious, so I inquired:

-----Original Message-----
From: Kristin Cheasty Miller [mailto: blahblahcheasty@yahoo.com]
Sent: Tuesday, April 08, 2008 7:34 PM
To: Maegan Schmitz
Subject: Re: DEADLINE TO REGISTER TOMORROW @ 5PM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dear ms. schmitz,

could you take my name off again? I'm still getting
emails. thanks!

and if possible, could you let me know how you got my
email? this is really unusual. I've never even been
to Plano, so if somebody is handing out my address,
I'd like to know who and why.

much appreciated,
Cheasty

-------------

This is the entirety of her response to my inquiry:

>
>
>
It has been removed. Your email address was submitted to our website.

Maegan Schmitz
Professional Standards Unit
Plano Police Department
Phone: 555-555-5555
Fax: 555-555-5555
>
>

Her clever use of the passive voice intrigues me. Is she categorically unable to make a simple declarative statement? Is she protecting somebody? Why so terse?

'Fess up, my poppets. I smell skulduggery, perhaps even shenanigans. Who wants me to move to Plano? Who wants me to leave Austin? Who thought this would be the funniest joke ever?

17 comments:

Alison said...

Oh Cheastypants, why deny it? You would make a fabulous addition to the Plano Police Department! C'mon and embrace your inner police officer! Take this as a sign of your true direction in life.

Cheasty said...

hmmmm.... handcuffs and a nightstick? let me figure on that one for a while... ;)

kari said...

there was this "hey, i'm a low/no-presure sales guy who just wants to show you a few timeshares for a couple of free ski passes" who turned into a catholic priest guilt tripper when we said "thanks, but no thanks" after the whole schpeal (spelling?) was over. talk about the pressure! he even had the nerve to say "and we spent ALL of this time with you, and even gave you FREE hot dogs!" oooooooh!
so we took his business card with us when we left, and he is now receiving a year long subscription (with the "yes! bill me later option") to Pirates Way magazine! take that effer!
:) kari

Cheasty said...

there's a magazine called Pirates Way? who knew... does it feature wenches, parrots, and bootie?

remind me never to piss you off!

Sarah said...

You do not want to work for Plano. Plano is a suburb of Dallas it is just North going up Hwy 75. You need to find out who insulted you this way. :)

Cheasty said...

never fear, sarah, i am, in my spare time, a supersleuth and i have many many minions working away to solve this puzzle. the culprit will not escape my nefarious clutches. mwahahahahaha.

H-SPO said...

i'm gonna point a finger here. i can't believe that you don't remember that pony lived in plano for a summer.

Cheasty said...

oh. my. god. i'm gonna kill her! good sleuthing, h-spo. i owe you a debt of gratitude so huge it may or may not include my first born. watch out, pony, i'm gunning for you, next. you've got 24 hours to come up with a convincing defense, or else!

colie said...

whoa there, trigger! i fully confess to "living" in plano, and maybe even to being devious - but dude, i would not do that to you.

though i do feel compelled to applaud the creativity, however misguided, of the savvy and unbalanced soul who did.

Cary said...

Schmitz? Wasn't that the "gay beer" on the SNL commercial? Schmitz Gay. I'm sure of it.

Cary said...

Well, Cheasty, what if you took the job? And what if they assigned to investigate apparel thefts? Wouldn't that make you a ... wait for it ... Plano Clothes Detective?

Hello?

:::tap tap tap::: Is this thing on?

Cheasty said...

wacka wacka! you're so punny...

Anonymous said...

Did you think about the fact that you are bad mouthing someone that you don't even know, and rationalizing all that you know about her in two emails which contained less than 20 words? Maybe she is just doing her job, and maybe by accident forgot to remove your name the first time. I don't think it takes much explaining to understand how she received your email address...pretty understandable to me, someone submitted it to their website. Did you ever think that maybe one of your friends did it as a prank? Give the poor girl a break, she is just doing her job.

Cheasty said...

did you even read the whole post, anonymous? yes, i thought one of my friends did it as a prank. that was the whole point of the post. thanks for weighing in, though. and my apologies to ms. schmitz, if you've read this, for making character assessments about you based on all you'd given me to know.

Anonymous said...

I did read the whole post...and I gathered that you thought one of your friends did it as a prank. My apologies for making it seem as if I didn't understand. I think my whole reason of my comment was to make you think twice about posting discourteous assumptions of someone(especially when you don't know the person)and the effects they can have on that person. I am not saying that I am immune from ever doing this, but I have been on the receiving end of it as well (not so fun). I am sure that one day when Ms. Schmitz is bored, she might google her name only to find that it is being chastised in someone's post that doesn't even know her.

Cheasty said...

You're right. I will publish an apology.

Anonymous said...

Cary said...
Schmitz? Wasn't that the "gay beer" on the SNL commercial? Schmitz Gay. I'm sure of it.

It was Schmidt's beer...google checked