I have been in school now for a cumulative total of 21 years. Between the ages of 0 and 4, and for a bright period between the ages of 22 and 27, I was school-free, but pretty much the sum total of my 30 years have been spent in the pursuit of knowledge. I would now like to state, categorically and for the record that, in spite of everything my teachers, parents and mentors have urged me to believe, this has not made me any smarter. In fact, the opposite is true. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I offer you exhibit A:
Two days ago, discussing a professor and his preferred writing style, I told a classmate of mine, "We get along great now, but he used to hate the way I writed."
The best part? I didn't even register that I'd made an error until WAY after the fact.
Oh, I hear some skeptics in the back row. Still not convinced, eh? Well, then, let me offer you Exhibit B:
On the phone today with a friend of mine who I haven't talked to in about a year, we'll call her Sarah. "Whoa, Sarah, hi, how are you, it's been like a year, how are your little babies, how's life?!!
"Actually," she says, "not so good. I just found out that my husband has been adfhad wkhrostt skdhw."
"Sorry, what?" I asked? "I lost the last part."
"Oh, sorry, I'm in Barnes & Noble, and I'm trying to be quiet about it. It's Bobbie. He's been asdfs vghasero shfwxeit."
She gets a little louder, sounds a little embarrassed and frustrated. "He's been S-L-E-E-P-I-N-G bouwrfsh!" She grinds out.
"Oh, my God." I said, feeling stunned. "Bobbie's SELLING DRUGS?"
"NO, CHEASTY! SLEEPING. S-L-E-E-P-I-N-G! Sleeping around."
I am unbelievably, embarrassingly, criminally dumb. To be fair, however, I'm not the only one. Sarah is a highly educated woman herself, and she believed that SPELLING IT OUT would somehow hide the truth from passersby. Sarah? Sorry, but you're in a bookstore. Chances are, folks around you know how to spell.
And before you think I'm completely heartless for turning this awful moment in Sarah's life into a joke for general consumption, let me assure you that I'm only trying to make light so that I don't drive the long, long distance to her house, find her husband in whatever wormhole he's crawling around in, and personally make a necktie out of his small intestine. Cheating is awful. But cheating when you've got babies? Man, just keep it zipped. You've got responsibilities bigger than your outsized, ego-driven sex drive. Schmuck.